Driving home from our cancer kitty’s second ultrasound I started thinking about the unknown.
Not knowing much about anything right now is working to our advantage.
Without a clear diagnosis there’s no textbook to follow. Which makes expectations and timelines difficult to set, if not impossible. Everything is up for grabs.
We’re not tightly bound to pill schedules and must do’s. We have some worry free wiggle room to respond to how he’s feeling.
Watching for signals and patterns tells us more about what’s happening inside than following a chart just because we were told to.
We’re working with whatever is appearing right now instead of marking off days in hopes of beating the calendar.
Ten weeks feels like months. A good day is like three A bad one can drag on more like five.
We’ve stepped outside of time through not knowing.
I’m not sure I want to step back in.
She had a textbook case that ran like clockwork. Seven days of full steam straight ahead to the one and only conclusion.
Had I known all she was about to go through, I’m not sure I would have even entertained the notion we could prolong the odds.
If there’s ever a next time my decision making process will be significantly different.
Then I think back 15 years to the unknowing of waiting for biopsy results that never came.
There was nothing to grab hold of except some core part of me to stay sane.
Imagination run wild in the wrong direction is not so beneficial either.
So where does this all leave me?
To know or not to know.
That is the question.
The unknown is not the black and white we like to believe.
Knowing doesn’t necessarily make things better.
Not knowing comes in shades of grey.
Without a doubt though, the unknown will lead us closer towards knowing who we really are.